


i am not quite sleeping

by 8The_Great_Perhaps8



Category: Ender Series - Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, Fix-It of Sorts, Gay Male Character, Gen, M/M, Post-Ender's Game, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13620111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8The_Great_Perhaps8/pseuds/8The_Great_Perhaps8
Summary: "North of Sylvanna we swim in the PalisadesI come out wearing my brothers red hatThere on his shoulder my best friend is bit seven timesHe runs washing his face in his handsOh how I meant to tease himOh how I meant no harmTouching his back with my hand I kiss himI see the wasp on the length of my arm""The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!" by Sufjan Stevens





	i am not quite sleeping

**Author's Note:**

> fuck orson scott card. [here's where you can donate to a local lgbt organization](https://app.etapestry.com/cart/gsaforsafeschools/default/index.php)

For several weeks, during the changing of the proverbial guards of the Earth, Ender and Bean were alone on Eros.

Not alone, for the literal guards of the distant moon were forever within its empty echoing hallways, but for a time, Ender and Bean were the only two people- the only two soldiers- the only two _children_ on the recolonized colony.

Their time together was spent mostly in silence, struck dumb as Ender had been by his unintentional xenocide, by the horrors he had done as a boy broken by the horrible war that the adults had forced him into.

Bean, although he had his own quarters, frequently found himself drawn to Ender’s in the middle of the night. He would knock on the door first, and then, ignoring the guards posted to either side, would open it and enter Ender’s bedroom, and would climb up onto Ender’s bed, like he had in Battle School.

In silence, because even though Bean knew that Ender didn’t, he didn’t want to interrupt any sleep that his former commander might have been getting.

Finally, the days before Bean was to be iced- not iced, because they weren’t in battle school anymore, but it still darn well felt like failure- and not failure, because they had just won the fucking formic war- Ender broke his silence.

“Bean,” he said, knees pulled up to his chin and sitting in silence against the wall, “have you ever been in love?”

Bean nearly fell to his side on the opposite side of the room in his mirrored position. “What?”

“Have you ever been in love?” Ender asked, using his commander voice to show that he was losing patience. “It’s a simple question.”

“That’s what’s wrong with you,” Bean said. “They’ve been in your fucking head since you were six. You don’t know what a simple question is, but it’s not that.”

“Fine,” Ender said. “It’s a difficult question. I’ve seen what you can do. You can answer one difficult fucking question.”

“Fine,” Bean spat. And he paused to think, because Bean had never- well, not never, because it was all he had done when he was on the streets- well, not all he had done, but the vast majority of it- answered a question without thinking.

“Yes,” he finally said. “I’ve been in love.”

“With who?” Ender asked, laying his head down sideways on his knees.

“Why the hell do you care?” Bean snapped.

Ender remained silent for a few moments, and Bean began to feel guilty.

“It was a girl,” Bean finally said. “She was the one who adopted me into the gang. She was probably eight years old when Achilles killed her. I think I was in love with her.”

Ender sighed, and there was silence in the room for a few moments more.

“Have you ever been in love with a boy?” Ender asked.

Bean looked up in surprise, and saw that Ender was very pointedly not looking at him.

“Why?” Bean asked carefully.

“Just wondering,” Ender answered, too quickly.

Bean looked at Ender, and took several breaths to calm his sad, anxious heart. “Yes,” he said. “But I don’t think he’ll ever realize.”

“I’m sorry,” Ender said, and Bean almost thought _has he-_ but Ender was still looking away, still pale, and Bean realized _no, he never will_. “Was it hard?”

“Was what hard?” Bean asked, still melancholic by his ex-commander.

“Realizing it to yourself,” Ender said. “Knowing that you love him.”

Bean stared, eyes half-lidded. “Not really. Why would it be?”

Ender continued looking towards the door. “Well. You know. Boys aren’t meant to love boys. It’s in the bible, my parents taught me.”

“Jesus,” Bean said. “Sister Carlotta was a nun that I once knew, and she was a lesbian.”

“Huh,” Ender said. “My parents- I don’t know what denomination they were. They took me to church once in a while, but I was never baptized, since I’m a third.”

“Well,” Bean said. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Hell, Ender, Petra’s a lesbian, and Alai and Dink and half the damn cadets in the school were gay or bi or something.”

“Huh,” Ender said again. “It was different, where I grew up. Nobody was gay. I didn’t even know the word until I read some obscure biography about some poet. I just knew that I wasn’t feeling the things that my parents were telling me that I ought to feel about girls.”

“Damn,” Bean said. “No offense, but your parents kind of sound like they sucked.”

“I’m never going to see them again,” Ender said, and Bean couldn’t tell if he was upset or not. “I’m never going to go back to Earth, and I’m never going to see my mother or my father ever again and I’ll never see my house or my room or anything ever again.”

“I’m sorry,” Bean said. “I’m sorry that you’ll never see them again, but I want to tell you that they’re shitheads and I don’t trust them as far as I could throw them.”

“I never even asked them about it,” Ender said, apparently not paying attention to Bean. “I never asked them if what I was feeling for boys was wrong but I knew it was from what I’d seen and what I’d heard, and I didn’t want to make any trouble for them because who was I, just some dirty third who was ruining the family and making everything worse and poisoning everyone around me. I was already a third, I didn’t need to be gay too, I didn’t need to make things harder for everyone.”

“Hey,” Bean said, and he crawled over to Ender. “Listen, you were you, and that’s not making things harder for everyone. That’s you being you. You just existing does not hurt people.”

“I killed an entire species,” Ender said, sounding empty. “I killed them all. And I killed humans, human pilots, without even thinking.”

“Dammit, Ender,” bean said, now sitting directly in Ender’s line of sight. “You fought a fucking war. You’ve been trained as a soldier since you were six. You don’t know anything else.”

Ender remained still. “I used to be in love with Dink.”

“Dink _Meeker_?” Bean asked, even though he knew which Dink Ender was talking about.

“He was the first boy who was kind to me, consistently, when I was in Battle School. He tried to save me from Bonzo.”

“Well, hell,” Bean said. “Who wasn’t a little in love with Dink?”

Ender sighed. “I was in love with Alai. And I was in love with Bernard. And I was in love with Carn. And I loved Alai because he was sweet and kind, and I loved Bernard because he was so loud and changeable, and I loved Carn because he was nuts.”

Bean stayed still, now, as he listened to Ender list off all the boys that he loved. “Ender,” he finally said. “That’s okay, you know. You can be in love with boys.”

Ender finally made eye contact with Bean. “Bean, they’re all normal. As normal as any Battle School graduate can be. And then there’s me, and I’m so fucked up. Of course it isn’t okay.”

Bean grabbed Ender’s face with both his hands. “Dammit, Ender, the things you’ve done? It’s okay to be fucked up, and in love with normal people.”

Ender pulled away from Bean’s grasp. “I’ve killed people,” he said. “I killed a little boy when we were both six, and maybe he would have killed me, but probably not. I killed him, and that’s why they brought me to Battle School. And then, in Battle School, I killed Bonzo, who was probably younger than I am now. Or maybe a year or two older, I don’t know. Too young to die. And maybe he would have killed me, but maybe he just wanted to teach me a lesson. I’ve killed two boys, Bean.”

“And you killed all the fucking buggers, too,” Bean argued. “And Bonzo would have killed you dead, don’t try to pretend otherwise. And you killed that kid because of the damned monitor in your neck, not for any other reason. You’re not a bad person because of what you’ve been forced to do, Ender, not by a long shot.”

Ender half-smiled at Bean. “Only someone who doesn’t know would say something like that.”

Bean clicked his tongue in disgust and removed his hands from his grip around Ender’s face. Then, he gripped Ender’s face again, and leaned in very slowly.

And he kissed Ender gently on the lips.

“I don’t care,” he said softly. “I don’t care what you’ve done, and I don’t care why you’ve done it, because I’ve been in love with you since I first crawled onto your bed at Battle School and you didn’t push me away, Ender Wiggin.”

Bean stood up and walked away from Ender. At the door, he turned back towards his friend one last time.

“I’m getting sent back tomorrow,” he said, voice only barely cracking. “I’ll miss you. Look me up, if you ever get back to Earth.”

Bean left, and they never saw each other again.


End file.
